The Waiting Room
There are times in my life where I get stuck in a liminal space of nothingness which I like to call ‘The Waiting Room’.
It’s a period of transition between two places or events where seemingly nothing is happening and is often challenging mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially and / or even physically:
Mondays; getting out of debt; hangovers; long haul flights; breakups; divorce; finishing a job; changing careers; waiting to move house; waiting to move countries; visa applications; having an injury; breaking a bone; getting sick; COVID etc……
There must be something in the air at the moment as I’ve recently had several of my friends and clients contact me who are currently sat in this exact place of tension which can be very triggering and somewhat troubling.
I think we all felt some release, relief, energy, excitement and expansion as we emerged from the restrictive nature of COVID, however, there seems to be a shadow to this new sense of freedom which comes in the form of financial, economic and political uncertainty; increased inflation and interest rates, rents and costs of living; environmental degradation and climate crises; social unrest and the harrowing nature of the Ukraine War which is still ongoing, all of which are fear inducing and stopping some of us from making or being able to make plans and take action. It can leave you feeling quite powerless if you let it.
In various different ways, many of us are finding ourselves in the waiting room, stuck in one place, unable to move on to the next.
I used to experience this a lot as a kid. The promise of a move to somewhere better, a change of situation, the wait, the build up, the anticipation, and then the let down.
In my adult years, I have mainly experienced this as a result of a breakup; transition in my career; the time between ski seasons and work projects; times when I’ve ended up back at my parents home, without work and broke or waiting to move to, or on from a place where I’ve been living.
In February 2022, my fiancée and I moved to Perth where she’s from. Now, a year on, I can honestly say, that this has been, without a shadow of a doubt, one of the biggest struggles of my life, and one of the most intense waiting rooms I’ve ever been in.
Don’t get me wrong, we have met some incredibly beautiful, kind and radiant souls during our time here, and have proactively integrated into the community, forming some new, and hopefully life long bonds, but if we’re deeply honest, neither my partner nor myself truly wanted this. We felt we should or had to, and felt pressured rather than wanted to, and within just a couple of weeks of arriving, we were both questioning what we had done.
I think COVID put extra pressure on those living overseas to return to their families. During the pandemic, like so many others, my partner was unable to see her parents and family in Oz, so when the borders finally opened, I think there was some desperation and urgency to want to be back with them once more, which is understandable.
I do think however, the fact that many people couldn’t travel to see their loved ones created some confusion between their desire to want to be back living with them, or just spending a long holiday reuniting.
In our case, we moved back and we moved into my partner’s parent’s home which was a mistake. For most parents and adult kids, living together is like milk, it goes off after about three days. We are both extremely grateful for their help in putting us both up and allowing us to live with them, especially as they have the space, but as a newly engaged couple, this is not how we had intended to live together for the first year of our engaged lives.
In hindsight, we both wish we’d have just come over for a long holiday rather than moving our whole lives over to a place we were unsure of. At least now we know and it’s no longer a ‘what if’.
As I write this, my partner and I are still sat in the depths of this transition, waiting to return to the UK in April, so we can crack on with our lives. It’s painful and triggering and we are both ready to leave. We are both ready to move on and start rebuilding our lives, reclaim our independence and carry on working towards our dreams together.
I feel blessed I am with the woman of my dreams and we are 100% supportive of one another’s decisions, which creates a safe and nurturing environment for both of us, but we both agree, this was certainly a sacrifice and a compromise too far. It has definitely taken its toll on both of us in terms of our mental, emotional and spiritual health and wellbeing. I’m just so grateful we have remained united throughout this experience.
I am well versed in the art of healthy living and sitting in the stillness. We’re both plant based, have a daily yoga and meditation practice, get out in nature, journal, move our bodies and consciously communicate with one another about our wants, needs and desires, but this particular period of inactivity has simply lasted too long. I crave action, movement and a sense of building forward momentum once more.
At the end of the day, we only have ourselves to blame for not being courageous enough to articulate what we did or didn’t want. That’s on us.
As a coach it would be remiss and uncool of me if I didn’t try to turn this experience into something positive that will help me in the future, to see this period of my life as a period of growth, an opportunity for learning and hopefully there is some wisdom in there somewhere, which I can’t necessarily see now.
I’m sure once we are back in Europe, there will be aspects of our lives here that we will miss and will be sad we took for granted. Isn’t that often the way!?
With this in mind, I thought I’d share some of the thoughts and musings from my supervisor, Josie Sutcliffe, who is an incredible wise elder, a coach, a mentor and a guide who has helped me considerably over the years, with the hope that her words may help you or someone you know if they are in a similar situation:
“I have been thinking about 'the waiting room' and how you feel it as somewhere terrifying, stuck and difficult.
Could you imagine this space differently?
Try to populate it with comfortable and exciting 'furniture', that gives you a sense of energy and expectation for the future rather than a passive, held, inactive and cold/hard space?
Soften the light/colour and energy in this space. Perhaps as a mindfulness or meditation practice. Become your own interior designer! What sounds are you hearing? What smells and tastes? What textiles?
Observe when you rail against the waiting and soften in your belly towards the TIME you have left before you can do anything about it - 5 months, 3 years etc. Try not counting your future down!
Every day is/could be precious. Who knows where any of us will be and how the world will be operating in April or 2026!
Bring your sights closer - what might happen that is lovely tomorrow, next week...?
You may well be experiencing several losses and their accompanying grief - some are older than others.
Life is a series of small deaths and lows - from hopes, realities we hold dear and experiences we wish would never end...
Life is also a series of rebirths, highs and joys - new relationships, learning and experiences we also wish would never end.
Remember you hold both of these in you, Olly. It makes you who you are!
What do you want to carry with you in the future? Spend some waiting room time reading the magazine of your future life. First you'll have to write it! This could be a start to processing the grieving you have to do. Sometimes approaching something obliquely is kinder to our poor hearts than a head-on push.
Asking yourself questions about what you want - out loud is good!
Imagining yourself as a hurdler - get over the obstacles! You've done it before - what strategies did you use? You are resilient and you have a partner with you and you have resources. You can do it, maybe you won't be as fast as you would like but hey, who's counting (only you?).”
Once we move out of periods like these, the intensity wanes and we can find the wisdom once more.
Whereever you are in life, whatever you’re experiencing, always remember 'this too shall pass’.
You won’t be in this place or space forever and change is always on the horizon.
Do reach out, speak to your friends and confidantes who can help you through this difficult time and help you gain perspective and remind you of who you are and what you are capable of.
Who knows, there might come a time when you consciously design a waiting room in your own emotional house that you take yourself to often for the positive aspects of this liminal space such as the rest, rest-bite, peace and repose that it offers you. It doesn’t have to be a place or space you fear, quite the contrary. Perhaps it is a space or a place you can learn to love and embrace.
If this resonates and either you or someone you know feels stuck in the waiting room, get in touch. Having first hand experience with these sorts of feelings and emotions and having put in place a plan and strategy to help me move on from this space, I would love to help.
Always remember - You are not alone!
Big Love.
Olly
